When you’re sick, sometimes you feel like a burden. Even if you’re not “in the way” you may believe because you are not actively contributing that you are hindering. The only way to avoid piling this part of the suffering on to the rest of the suffering is to have compassionate, patient people around. It’s imperative to have support that openly tells you that you are loved right where you are as you are.
I am often inclined to apologize for how I feel. From a young age, it was made clear that becoming ill or sustaining an injury was a problem. Not something to solve, but something to bear. Something to anticipate happening again.
People will offer ways in which you could “better express yourself” as if the discomfort you experience is a reflection of your soul. Change your mood. Change your attitude. Change the way you feel. But the reality is you are sick and have to sit with the feelings. They just have to sit and wonder.
This is where guilt plays a role in how we take care of ourselves and those around us. If we’ve been neglectful then we may overcompensate. In this extra exertion we turn the compassionate act of caring for others into a sort of debt that can only be paid if the persons disposition improves. If they don’t get better on any level, we take it as a personal affront, a type of rejection.
This obviously creates a nasty cycle for the caregiver and cared-for, a co-dependent relationship hinged on a kind of success that will never come. Life is an adjustment few want to adhere. It’s truly uncomfortable to constantly transition or be aware or these timely changes throughout the years.
Romance and intimacy have to adjust as well. The fantasy people create to live up to must be altered into a fantasy you can live. Why does happiness and pleasure have to be just out of reach to be valued? There’s always more to have. Build a perception of your life that includes more tangible successes rather than unattainable goals. It might not seem sexy but reality rarely is as sexy as our fantasies.
My wish is to be loved. I see how we engage in relationships that do not seem compatible or balanced. I see how we also make up for these areas of lack as we discover how to build a life. Some understand this as growth and others inevitably feel they have over compensated for social training that neither serves them or their intended partners. Wondering, why is it that I can’t find someone to talk to me and treat me exactly as I need them to? They gray area can be huge and daunting.
This gray area is where I live now with my health. I do not suffer as others do, but I understand clearly what I am experiencing. The feat is contending with those around that ultimately believe I can will myself to feel better by wanting to feel better. Of course I want that. But birth, sickness, aging, death. These things we can’t escape.
I hope to re-enter relationships that serve the heart and soul. I hope to find compassionate people who may operate from guilt but don’t live there. I hope to be embraced.