Celebrity Declarations and the Unaffected Patriarchy 🤦🏽‍♀️

The Opinion by Marcie Bianco https://apple.news/A2Dv1iW5MRAK_i8BROruxyg is a well written piece. It is consistent in many ways. It does not, however, in my opinion, support it’s claim. It just makes one. Basically, Miley Cyrus and Julianne Hough are disrupting the Patriarchy by telling the public (and their partners 😮) that they aren’t heterosexual. 😳🤯

This, unfortunately, will not bring about the Queer femme or QPOC future that our elder sisters were writing about in the 70s and 80s. They were already writing about their lives and what would or should change in the future…which is NOW. Which was before either of these women were born. So many stories and true lives lived in the shadows. We can go back to the 1800s but I think the 1500s would be jealous. I digress.

The author claims that Cyrus and Hough are raising queer visibility by making these declarations and asserting control over their sexuality. Perhaps. For some. For others, these proclamations are merely fodder for articles and discussions and gossip columns and speculation on who they will date next. I wonder if, when Hough and her husband divorce, it will be due to this or “irreconcilable differences”.

When I read Hough’s blurb on revealing to her husband, “you know I’m not straight, right” I about death dropped and dislocated my hip. It sounded like she was telling him she didn’t like mangos and wasn’t sure if she’s ever said it out loud. But then again, Julianne hasn’t always made the best entrance or choices.

Miley seemed to repeat that she’s not the normal anything but grew her hair out, highlighted it and married Liam in a pretty normal looking wedding dress. The public doesn’t need to hitch their wagon to these women and the idea of what their “freedom from Patriarchy” will offer. The quotes embedded throughout the piece support this but do not challenge the intersections that stop the rest of us from proceeding.

Must I even ask…what of these dudes? Seriously, what’s up with heterosexual men that bullshit their way through a relationship with bisexual or queer identifying femmes? That’s the question. I’m curious to know what they think. That might be the break right there. But what a little crack. Just a broken heart 💔.

🐵Separating: Liam, Miley and the Rest of Us🙈🙉🙊

Often people ask why we didn’t tell them something we saw in their partners that was going to lead to the demise of the relationship. But we all know that even if we tell our friend or family member that their partner is sincerely whack they want to experience it for themselves. Experiencing the lower nature of the person you’re with is eye-opening.

A person has to realize how the negative aspects of their partner actually affect them. There might be a lot more that they can put up with or navigate that outsiders wouldn’t or simply don’t prefer. So much of our silent, invisible selves come out when we are alone with our loved one. That’s why stories of abuse are confusing because there are many sides of a person that are seen and ingested and categorized. Unfortunately, the truth is that that person probably isn’t the best for you and that your relationship is another karmic reflection in the mirror.

When Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus first broke up I wasn’t surprised. Being older than them, I assumed there was a lot of “young love” stuff going on there. Passion, lust and money but no real foundational aspects. And then Miley went on a journey of cultural appropriation and musical spasm. Yes, you can listen to the music and it’s fun. “Wrecking ball” does that. Her music award performances and ever-changing appearance didn’t seem like it was a part of her own evolution, but a scraping and searching for relevance and identity. This could be described as anyone’s messy period when a queer person is navigating the world and personal growth.

Liam was an Australian thespian export that had made some decent films. There didn’t seem to be a symbiosis between the two. Similar professional experiences, same age, wealth bracket, beauty. But, this was still not a recipe, a delicious stew eaten on the second day, that would taste delicious upon return. Miley began growing her hair out and working on another album which was completely different than what she was giving before. Liam continued to act. Then, they announce they were back together.

When I saw this I realized that it wouldn’t last. Is that really cynicism? I thought they loved each other. I definitely know they lust. The nagging thought I was left with was whether or not they felt they needed to not only be together but to go through with the entirety of an engagement, a wedding, and a marriage. Marriage is difficult for anyone at any age in particular people in their 20s. 10 years changes people, especially in the first 30. Those changes can feel monumental.

Then there is the idea that people get married because that’s what you’re supposed to do at a certain point in the relationship. If you’re in a profession or a culture that elevates people because they have legally wed then there is pressure to fulfill others desires and the social contract.

I never said I wanted a ‘happy’ life but an interesting one. From separation and loss, I have learned a lot. I have become strong and resilient, as is the case of almost every human being exposed to life and to the world. We don’t even know how strong we are until we are forced to bring that hidden strength forward.Isabel Allende

I like this quote because there are many reasons people are living their lives. Some accept that there are certain ages they need to achieve something. Or that there are simply certain things they must achieve or experience. “The Bucket List” has definitely inspired people into an achievement panic.

Much like Miley, it is difficult to figure me out. I don’t know if I can’t characterize her because of the celebrity filter or because she truly is a chameleon. The shades she wears seem not to have a consistency. They seem to change with the person or situation. So her range isn’t a range of style and presentation, but a drag moment where we don’t truly know who the queen is beneath. This is true for anyone we don’t know. Truer still is how nondescript Liam is and that he is just as much an enigma. I always wonder how cis-straight white men deal with a self-identified queer femme.

There are so many layers to a relationship; on-again, off-again or straight through like a roller coaster. This just makes me reflect on our motivations and how outside influence damages us from the inside. The other thought is that, we don’t need to live with a flippant “YOLO” attitude but know that if this is the life you have and you don’t know when it ends, be brave in making the tough decisions, not frail like gauze covering a sore.

💫The Most Unique, Unimportant Thing in the World🌎

Here you are, walking about the world, thinking you are important. You’re on your way to discovering your purpose and living your purpose and then you realize the answer to that question is whomever employs you. How silly. To realize that you grew up to become a job. You’re not so much a person who has dreams and wonderings and curiosities, but a thing that needed to make itself useful. Of course we need to be useful. That is our purpose. However, the hope is to realize purpose is not employment, albeit the “lucky ones” count their blessings by saying “if you can get paid for what you love, it isn’t work at all.”

Then there are the small moments. And those are the moments that we need to cherish the most. Sometimes they piss us off because those small moments are useless and wasted on people who have nothing of value to contribute. And so you’re stressed over paying bills from a job you don’t quite enjoy but that is your identity every time you introduce yourself. Don’t forget the small moments. The moments that got you there. The moments that got you through. The moments that will lead you beyond this moment you don’t feel is valuable.

We are all unique. And in that uniqueness all of us happen to be less important than the next person. When we consider our own uniqueness, our individuality, our distinct personalities are considerably more significant to ourselves than the struggling soul beside us. What we would do for others is not always what they would do for us. In this, we forget the gravity of other peoples lives and the circumstances that prevent them from valuing us during our hardships.

Here you are, walking around the world, thinking you’re important. But what do you think is important about that you walking around the world? What does the world need to reflect back to you to validate the existence you’ve created?

A friend of mine recently went through a period of reflection after a series of unfortunate events. They surmise that after almost 40 years of life they hadn’t learned anything from their parents and, being on their second marriage, were going to finally get it right. However, what I noticed was that nothing had changed save for their new spouse being called Daddy which had never been said outside of their own father. So I considered that instead of progress, this person was regressing and using new information to validate their need for codependency. They might think this situation unique, but it may make them more unimportant. I understand the need for partnership and to feel safe and loved, but there is something valuable in being a partner to yourself, loving yourself (again).

We go through cycles. Patterns that map our life. Every handful of years, seven, 10, 15, we shift. It’s this shift that we need to embrace. Flexibility. Allowing ourselves to remember we will be confronted by change everyday and must respond in kind. Let’s not forget, it’s that uniqueness that predicts how you’ll respond to this ever changing life. It’s that uniqueness that should help you recall each life is unique and, oh so, unimportant in the scheme of things.

🥀 Change the Soil He Said 🌹

It’ll do you good to change the soil in your plants because it will help them grow better. Taller. Wider. Brighter. It’s imperative to pay attention to how long your plant has been in the same dirt. Is the dirt doing anything for the plant or is it simply mud when wet? The same is true for people and I give credit to Skylarity for pointing this out at least a year ago.

I literally had plants that weren’t doing well. They obviously needed more something. I got plant mix and shifted the roots and gave a new land to a variety of life I easily kill. I do not have a green thumb, like my mother. But that’s another story. The plants began to thrive and grow and stretch. I was happy.

Then someone took the remaining soil without my knowledge and potted their own plant. It grew tall and wide and shown its leaves like rubies. My plants, no matter the loving caresses and kind words, held theirs haunches but sagged under the lack of nutrients.

The same went for me. I withered in the home I lived in, the life I created. I had changed the soil of my plants and had seen that transformation was possible. But for people, changing your life can be a great alteration. It requires a transition, or one of many, that may damage, if not kill, the roots. This was what I was contending with and could not fathom. Do I shift my thinking and then act on those thoughts to put myself first or somewhere nearer the front? Do I finally have enough hutzpah to follow through and leave? I needed new soil to plant myself into and grow without reserve.

This time I will keep my soil tilled and replenish the nutrients. Dead earth yields no crops. It is dust and hardness. I was ashamed I allowed myself to languish in the shadow of a corner with no light to offer. Attended to as if shade would help a desert seed sprout and bloom.

I once believed myself a ghost orchid, but now I know I’m more of a succulent. I need soil. Even if that soil is nourishing another unit of foliage, I will ensure I take my share of what I require to thrive. I am here to thrive. I understand that better now. Surviving is what we do. Period. Thriving is doing something beneficial with the life we’re given.

Forgiving Vulnerability

Image result for janelle monae vulnerable public images

“A little rough around the edges, but I keep it smooth” Janelle Monae.

Sometimes we’re hard and tough. Other times we’re soft and flexible. That’s why I like this lyric by the artist Janelle Monae. Discussing the yin and yang aspects of ourselves, parts that are often at odds with each other. Our society rewards the hard and tough persona as long as you are willing to be seen as soft and flexible. It is more difficult to operate as soft and flexible simply because the people we interact with are not expecting it and may see it as a sign of aggression. How can vulnerability and availability be aggressive?

Possibly these two characteristics describe someone who is open and receptive which opposes a secretive nature that relies on the absence of information. As individuals, we are taught to play a “game of life” rather than “live our life”. The performance of a player of the game gives the impression that you are well versed in how to navigate this society. It supposes that the impression is enough, even if the means are lacking. It is likely that the means to create the vision of ones life (in a capitalistic system) will make itself available through continued determination. However, as a player, you may forget who you are at the core. Swapping authenticity for an image of what could be.

But, what is is the most important. Where you are at in the here and now can be as revealing and pivotal as memories of winning a tournament or successfully completing a class as a youth. The story we tell ourselves of who we are supposed to be and how we are supposed to achieve that can be limiting. We can see certain experiences as obstacles or negative events when in actuality they are just not what we expect. They may not illicit the outcome we expect, but they also may not impede our ultimate goal.

Wavering between soft and rough in a world that requires callouses can be confusing. We tend towards needing validation from so many outside sources that the only way to see oneself is through the computation of others. There are too many variables for us to rely on outside forces to communicate whether we are correct in our choices. These are choices that are right for ourselves and for the benefit of our overall wellbeing. Based in doing no harm, we would belie ourselves more in upholding a false impression than reflecting our true selves.

Realizing that we are moving through the world instead of the world moving through us places the onus on the individual to participate in their own life. This participation requires that we bump up against uncomfortable moments, but these moments do not define the entirety of what we set out to achieve. They inform us. They are information that should only guide us, not hinder and prevent. So move through the world. Do what appears to disrupt the disquietude and spend time being a little rough around the edges, but keep it smooth.


“One man's constant is another man's variable.” Alan Perlis


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