The Spiral 💔🌪

img_1423.jpgIt fluctuates between the confessions of love and the demand for performance. The success of laughter and the failure of words. The thought of familiarity and the knowledge that it remains superficial.

It’s easy to fall back into the Spiral. You’ve talked yourself out of the manipulation and into new possibilities. Then, They, turn your desire for new possibilities into an expression of selfishness and opposition. I mean, it must be understood that you can’t expect Them to take news positively if They view it as bad. There is no changing their mind to accept the set of criteria you are presenting as reasonable practices for breaking up fair. Some people are used to extremely destructive behaviors being the cause of their separation. Some realize they’re just growing apart. Sometimes it’s a matter of perspective.

Speaking of perspective…the Spiral requires that you have a keen awareness of problematic habits brought out or performed by Them and are still open enough to listen to the pain of their suffering. Even if it’s the suffering they bring on themselves.

We can’t expect them to perfect the relationship hustle any time soon. So the question is whether or not the length of the process is worth the wait? People are always worth our time. BUT, they are not entitled to take from us what they never intend to replenish. The sad part is when they recognize there is nothing left.

However the saddest part, is that the Spiral stems from childhood and adolescence when we learn how to respond to the emotional needs of others. If we are given limited img_1422opportunities to express ourselves and feel our feelings, we may repeat these behaviors into adulthood because they’ve never been corrected. It is difficult to reserve our corrections, the learning from our lessons for the experience of intimate partnerships. Will we have enough experience to draw from…or perhaps too much? If we put this work off, then we risk learning far too late how to improve ourselves and be a person who is capable of being in a long term relationship.


Gaslighting Between the Lines

Image result for stock photosWhen people cross the line, we generally know what that means to us. Either you’re not very smart or I’m getting to know you in an entirely different light. So what happens when the person who is testing you knows how to draw within the lines. They use their knowledge of you to guide every conversation towards them being the authority on a subject. You are left in a defensive position and if you speak on it, you will be considered the person who is making it impossible for the two of you to move forward, beyond the same argument.

This reminds me of the film industry right now, vying for the dollars of its patrons but forever doubting their requests for representation and a sharing of power. So, the patron has decided to use their wallet wisely and support business and creative projects that clearly benefit them directly. This is the wake up call the complacent partner needs. If you don’t realize they are ready for change in a way that misses your definition of change then perhaps you are in need of an amicable separation.

It’s too difficult for one person in a relationship to carry he weight of the entire partnership. In fact, it might not even be a partnership, but a long term arrangement no one is defining but by the terms of a hetero-normative society.Image result for stock photos change direction

Labels or no labels, there are agreements people make to help them determine their compatibility and ongoing growth. Some open their boundaries and some define their boundaries. Some even break the contracts they set years ago and forgot about.

It is more important to listen to the difficult information your partner has to share than determine you can create a reality they never poke holes through.

You’re not strong enough, skilled enough to create and uphold a world that is selfish and unreal. One that is incompatible with the very person you are trying to keep, to impress upon them that you’ve changed or are worth the investment of intelligence and emotions. No one is guaranteed the privilege of keeping their best lover. Things happen and get in the way. The best we can do is learn from the small criticisms, whether true or not. The more gaslighting your partner participates in, the more you know they are afraid of being an authentic person, vulnerable to ideas that may call then to the table.


Relationship Primer: A setting for happiness

Primer has saved the face of many a cosmetic user. A couple of sprays in the morning and you have a full day of long wear makeup. Unfortunately, this is not true for relationships.

Primers help set things in place, but they can’t keep them their forever; looking fresh and new, feeling youthful. At the end of the day the makeup has to come off to allow your skin to breath, to remove the soot of the day, to let the perfection go. And it’s in this moment that a relationship is tested. Are you able to refresh your perspective on how to engage your partner and the goals you’ve set? Did you even set any goals? Are there goals? Do you share them? Do you still know your partner? Have they changed? Have you noticed?

Happiness is not something someone else gives or makes…it is. Your partner can’t make you happy. They can live in such a way that the environment is conducive to receiving and giving so that happiness is experienced. When a feeling like happiness is considered something someone else is responsible for then you are not in control of it and it remains an external force. You are left waiting for happiness to arrive instead of knowing that happiness is all around, it just may be blocked by the circumstances of your life.

Happy is an elusive state of being. If we are too attached to it and where we believe it has come from, then we become dependent on that false source. To recognize the multitude of expressions one must reveal in their own life, is to understand that one person is complicated in and of themselves. We are desperately complicated. Put one and one together and you get two humans with myriad of layers and details. The problem we create is trying to sort out all of these complications into compartments so they can be dealt with instead of simply understood. Many of us skip the understanding part of knowing our partner and rest in “all you need to do is”…love me?

Love and happiness are not inextricably linked in relationships. Love does not extrapolate the needs of your partner. Happiness does not sustain love. Sustenance comes from the work one does in being a friend, building a real partnership. Much of the work will come from communication and the method one uses to do so. Many of us are not taught how to communicate or actively listen, we simply have picked up cues throughout the years. Others seek a high level of communication and are rejected by the notion that this is even necessary. After all, a relationship is not a thesis, right? Why do we have to sort out all ideas and feelings and causes and effects? Probably because if you want to be in a conscious, present, nourishing relationship you have to challenge yourself to give and receive in the same way.

It’s sad how long some of us wait within the cells of a relationship before breaking out. I have heard too many stories of couples that have been together over 11 years and it’s been nothing but drama and trauma. Have we ignored the co-dependent nature of our society? And why are we replicating this unhappiness for ourselves and our children?

At the end of the day, we take off the primer (that set the makeup that made the day). We must remove what has soiled us, what will build up and clog the places from which we breath. From the song Love and Happiness, it is only too true:

I have to say
Love and happiness (love and happiness)
Love and happiness (love and happiness)
You be good to me
I’ll be good to you
We’ll be together, yeah
We’ll see each other
Walk away with victory, yeah oh baby

The People’s Celebrant

Economically challenged people have the right to participate in the institution of marriage. To celebrate the life of a loved one who’s passed.

I want people to know that if these things are a part of the scheme of their happiness, they can reach out to an officiant that is inclusive and attentive. I welcome all couples and all occasions.

This is a new prospect for me. As a couple embarking on the next step in their relationship, we have this in common. I take the responsibility seriously and believe it an honor to support others happiness.

This is a simple declaration that I’m here, a certified wedding officiant in New York, and if you are a couple outside the paradigm that needs help, it’s here.

Embracing the Darkness 🧟‍♀️

I have determined that the negativity I have expressed in my life has had a purpose. Most people have taken that purpose away and repositioned it as a darkness that must be purged, a choice that was made to not look at the good. But this isn’t true. It’s far from the truth because without good you cannot have evil, there is a balance in the universe, there are the Eight Winds and there is a reason we as humans experience joyful moments and those of suffering too.

I have learned a lot from the challenges that I faced, in those that I ran from and had to face anyway. It’s lead me to question important aspect of my identity as well as society. It’s made me a critical thinker. But it has not caused me to forget the notion of happiness and it’s expression in my life.

Happiness is not always the extension of your lips across your face or the showing of teeth. It is quiet, calm, prepared and content. It is joyful, expressive and loud. It’s many things, but the norm tends towards identifying happiness as an exuberant expression of fulfillment.

I recently watched Temple Grandin’s story with Claire Danes as the lead. So many individuals on the Autism/Aspergers spectrum do not show their emotions the way many of us expect. Instead of this 😂 you get 😐 and instead of ☹️ you get this 🤯. It’s fair to all of us if we begin to refuse old ideas of observing behavior and pick up new ways of understanding it and letting it go.

Happiness is one of the eight winds. It is not the only emotion you need to survive. It is what everyone needs to live their best life but it is not our only tool in the kit. We must forge swords and shields for those who take it upon themselves to infiltrate. They must not sway the causes you make with their own feelings.


“One man's constant is another man's variable.” Alan Perlis


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