My Boo: Titles and Tiaras

I am pondering what it means to different people to be in the position of fiance or “the engaged”. My friends have made it clear, along with many other people who have been married for at least 5 years, that things change when your relationship status changes. Once you move from [insert gender] friend to fiance and then fiance to wife, husband or boo boo bear you take on more responsibility. So, then, I ask what more do you have to do? My answer might be follow through.

Hanna Rosin wrote an article titled “What do you call the person you’re probably never going to marry? Your Fiance!” She explains that it has become a part of our ever changing American culture, this struggle with tradition and freedom. Our tradition is seeking freedom and happiness, and those must be gained individually before they can be shared and learned communally. As Hanna reminds us, girlfriend or boyfriend used to mean you were “going steady”, steady meaning exclusive and not simply seeing someone frequently. Today those terms could refer to a “side” chick or dude who holds a marker for a little of your down time. Your BAE is suppose to be super important but I feel like that missing B is Hanna’s point (and the marker your lover gave the side piece). I’m not your babe because there are so many others to choose from, therefore we are using our endearing terms to rank the lovers in our life. Wifey is a woman who is committed but not married. What’s the term for a man?Could it be that responsibility really is holding us back?

Or is it consequences? Being viewed as stubborn because you haven’t married or had children. Linking yourself to someone your family doesn’t like or know. We must admit that closed doors keep private many critical aspects of a relationship from making love to suffering forms of abuse. But there are also people who never get divorced. What’s the difference between an unwed couple together for 20 years and a married couple together for the same amount of time? Most likely the truth. Money can break people up or keep them together even when they don’t have it. Can’t afford to be married, can’t afford the divorce. I surmise that it’s cheaper to get married than divorced, the license and county clerk cost less than a divorce lawyer’s retainer. And then your partner becomes an X. Ctrl alt delete.

Not so fast, or easy. Playing with terminology is dangerous and foolish. If you repeat something enough you and the person you’re telling it to will begin to believe it. We don’t require wishful thinking or hopeful expressions. We need to be as honest and present as we can. Oh, jelly beans, I almost forgot to mention forgiveness.

Forgive yourself for being who you are and where you’re at in life right now. Meaning, give yourself a break for not doing it like everyone else. When I close my eyes and imagine my family around me I see a lot of fractured relationships. The modeling of relationships is akin to a circus (sans animals)…looks good, nice smiles, great costumes, lots of laughs, great make-up and hair, tricks and high-flying acts. But the truth is there are many complicated layers beneath the surface. I return to the lessons of Getting Ready for Marriage.

[“http://mmageephotography.com/brenda-matt-nyc-engagement/”%5Dimage

The core is WORK. I blame no one person or pairing for the poor examples because I understand privacy, personal choices, and fear. Still, these are the people, the very traditions we come from that validate or invalidate the new world in which we live. The same new world the previous generation had to navigate by breaking and remodeling ideas that didn’t work for them.

And forgive the law for not being ready to face the natural partnerships and families we create. Everything costs us something. What are you willing to pay?

sister dora

Love the one you’re with

10-romantic-german-phrases-impress-crush  Take the time to peruse ideas gathered by thousands of individuals on the web. Pinterest is a great place to find and keep your ideas stored and organized. You can create public and “secret” boards that house the various knick knacks and do dads your heart desires. Sharing these boards will allow others to get to know you and your style. Developing these boards allows you to get to know yourself.

To sidestep budgetary issues, take the more creative and inexpensive route by locating all the accouterment you want, no matter the cost. It’s free to pin the images, color schemes and accents to a page that you can return to later and edit. The editing process is two fold: first you have to decide which ideas to keep, then you have to commit to bringing these high-end expressions to reality. marriagecertificate

This is not an easy process either way. It’s not as simple as paying a wedding planner or buying an inclusive package. It’s also quite over-whelming to consider a DIY event when you and your partner are the main attraction. The wedding certificate is the most important item of the day in that it confirms the marriage is official. It must be signed by the officiant, those being wed and a witness (this should be done in black ink). The officiant should mail the certificate to the City Clerk as soon as possible. All the other stuff is extra.

simple-outdoor-country-wedding-ideasSo what is it worth? The celebration of celebrations…it is yours to do with what you will. Be inspired! Go out on a limb. Select a dress you’d never imagine having purpose to wear. Select a suit that shows edge and personal flare. Find party favors that commemorate the day and remind your guests of the fun they had. Make charming memories for you and your loved ones.ci-jill-thomas-photography_wedding-guest-book-_s4x3-jpg-rend-hgtvcom-616-462

 

It is the heart that matters most

Nichiren Daishonin found that the Lotus Sutra was the truest assessment of Buddhism that Siddhartha expounded. Within the Lotus Sutra, Shakyamui found that not only can all humans attain enlightenment but we also contain Three Treasures. All treasures are necessary but not equally valuable. The most important is the heart, the soul and center of a person. When our minds are muddled and overwhelmed with our human experiences, we distance ourselves from the nourishing nature of heart-connection. Sometimes we have a person to bond with and we should take advantage of the opportunity to step away from  the distractions that allow us to forget one another. Other times we are alone (not lonely) and need to take care of our own healing. As the heart responds to love, care, and compassion, the individual can open themselves up to the blessings of what their future holds. Understanding is key in grasping the depths of the needs of our partner. It is one of the most difficult things to do when we are paying more attention to the suffering in our own life.